11/30/19

Dear Brenden,

            Alright. Move on.

            I can’t write through my tears, so I’m just going to say it quickly: since receiving your last letter, I’ve moved on too. And holy crap it’s nothing like you, and it never will be. But it’s something to get me through the days and it’s someone who respects me and my heart. So he’s different than you in many ways.

            Have a nice life, Brenden. I hope we never cross paths again.

Yours in regret,

Aria Hall

11/18/19

Dear Brenden,

This'll be a short letter, since I'm in tears writing it...your last letter tore me apart.

I know I'm making it hard. And it's not that I'm doing that completely on purpose, but at the same time, I'm not upset that I'm doing it. Don't you think this is hard for me too? You don't think that it was hard when I got a text from Emily saying that she was worried about you and didn't know what to do, you think it was easy sitting there and waiting by my phone for hours while your best friend talked me through what happened? I gained such an insane amount of respect for her while simultaneously losing all respect I once had for you. Brenden, you broke my trust. You promised me that being in college wouldn't affect you, and yet it did.

You lied, that was the biggest thing. You told me that the only thing that was happening at all those dorm parties was a bit of drinking and a lot of laughing. You didn't mention the girls flirting with you that you didn't turn away, you didn't mention how you left Emily and Andrew at one of the parties to go and hang out with a group of senior girls. You didn't mention how you "didn't technically cheat", but still flirted with and gave little pecks on the lips to those girls. You didn't mention how you changed my name in your phone to plain old "Aria Hall" without the heart after your first week so that girls didn't know you were taken. And in your head, I guess you weren't really taken, huh? You just had a girlfriend who was pining away for you on the East Coast, waiting with baited breath for that text message telling her that you loved her and would always love her.

Emily said she felt terrible for taking so long to tell me, but she had to wait until she was sure. She told me everything, Brenden--and don't take that as her not being a good friend. She's a great friend to you because she cares about you and about you doing the right thing. And she realized that no girl deserves to be sitting in her room thinking that her boyfriend is the most wonderful person on the planet when he's really the scum on the bottom of her shoe.

For all your talk of "not technically cheating", you're right--what you did was worse. Generally, cheaters know that what they're doing is wrong, and they have some kind of remorse. But you defended your actions till the last second, and you thought that everything you did was perfectly fine.

So I'm calling bull on all your talk of remaining "loyal" for so long. You can't flip a switch and suddenly be loyal to me. It has to be a constant thing.

And another thing? The worst thing, actually. The worst part is that I'm still totally, madly, deeply in love with you.

Love,

Aria

11/10/19

Dear Brenden,

Well today was probably one of the crappiest days of my entire existence. Besides the day we broke up, naturally. I hope that day is crappy for you too.

I feel like my vocabulary should be more impressive than this, yet here we are, with "crappy" being my defining term for pretty much everything going on in my life at the moment.

Before I get into that though, your last letter left me in shock. Even when we're broken up and when I'm not technically replying to your letters, you still know me better than anyone else ever will. I was, in fact, a librarian for Halloween this year, mainly to stick with the book theme, since I love themes, and you know that. You know everything about me. I kinda forgot about that.

But since you know everything about me, I'm going to go straight into my terrible day. You know how much I hate when people put their own feelings before the feelings of other people. I think that you should think of others before you think of yourself, always and without question. Especially if those people are close to you and have been for a long time. You would definitely know that, since if I didn't feel that way, we would probably still be together.

Ouch. That probably hurt. 

So today would be our two-year anniversary if we were still together. We could be together and celebrating and being goofballs like usual. But instead, I found out today that my two best friends started dating each other. On our two year anniversary.

This wouldn't be a big deal if we were still together. It would actually be kind of cute, to share an anniversary with my best friends. It wouldn't even be that big of a deal if it was just Lindsey going out and starting to date a random guy, or Jaime a random girl. The other person in that relationship wouldn't be the wiser to my personal misfortunes, and I couldn't expect Jaime or Lindsey to say no if someone asked them to be with them, simply to spare my feelings.

But it was both of them. They both knew! They both have been there for all the crying and screaming and anger and ice cream-filled nights. They were both there and they both know how much I still care about you and how much I miss you. Yet they decided, mutually, to start dating today, a day that they know is going to be sour for me. It just doesn't strike me as something good friends would do, you know?

But at the same time, I can't get mad! They're my best friends in the world and I want to be happy for them! I won't even be the lone third wheel in the group, because Leslie will be there too to keep me company, so I can't pull that reason to be salty. I just...I just don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to pull off being genuinely happy for them. I want to be happy for them so badly, but I just keep thinking about how they didn't even regard my feelings at all. 

I guess I'm starting to sound a bit childish, so I'll chill out and end the letter on a happy note.

Happy would-be two-year anniversary, babe. I really wish we had lasted.

Love,

Aria

10/23/19

Dear Brenden,

Today was my 17th birthday. All my friends make fun of me because they're all turning 18 within the next three months and I'm not gonna be an adult for another year. It's all good though, I've been dealing with their teasing for years now.

I remember my 16th birthday last year. You surprised me by flying out here for the week. I mean, my parents knew and everything and everyone was so excited for me. It was so cool to have you out here with me, I felt like it was a movie--my boyfriend of almost a year, flying out to see me for my birthday, missing a week of his senior year of high school to hang out with my family and be there for me. It was like a slice of heaven. I couldn't believe you cared about me that much.

Look at that, now I'm crying.

Gosh it's hard to miss someone this much. Why does it hurt like this? It's been over a month. You still try to contact me. Your letters make me cry because I want to reply but I know I can't. I have to stay away, which is why this blog is such a good thing for me. I can reply to your letters, but they'll just never reach you. I wonder if you'll keep writing to me, despite me not answering. I'm sorry if I offended you, and I'm sorry if this is an awful thing to do...but then again, you deserve it. You ruined me and you ruined any chance we had of regaining anything. 

I need you to understand that I still love you, and maybe I always will. But I need you to also understand that I can't come back. I have to stay away.

But I won't be forgetting anything. Or forgiving anything, for that matter.

Love,

Aria

10/18/19

I thought this might be a good way to get my thoughts and feelings out in a way that isn't super weird or cliche, or anything like that. Hopefully no one will find this that would harshly judge me, but even if they do, at least I have a way to say what I want to.

The letters that will follow in my blog will be directed at Brenden, my ex-boyfriend. I'm not going to use code names or anything like that, so if you don't like that your name is on here, maybe you shouldn't be acting like an idiot in real life.

Here we go.

Dear Brenden,

I hope that your life is going well. Actually, scratch that, I don't. This upcoming Monday marks one month since you ruined everything and since I ended us, and therefore I really don't care what goes on in your life. I'll probably still like the occasional status or comment on a funny tweet you have, but purely to show that I'm the bigger person and that I can get through this. Not to say that I still want you.

Because if I'm going to be frank, which I almost always am...you suck. You freaking suck. Maybe in one of these entries I'll finally be able to write down exactly why you suck without bursting into tears. Because how in the world do you manage to forget about someone who made the past 22 months so special? Someone who was such a big part of you, who was such a big part of who you were and who you wanted to be?

You tore it all away, and you don't care. It's cool though. I haven't received an actual letter from you in a month, but it's cool. I haven't had a single day where I didn't cry in a month, but it's cool. I miss you like crazy, but it's cool. It's cool. I'm cool. I'm fine.

The thing is, I still love you. And that's what sucks the most.

Love,

Aria